*** UPDATE: 2/17/2015: For the sake of word count, I'm playing around with a version of the query that doesn't bother to emphasize the romance. Which do you think is better?
***
I revised the query for my YA sci-fi manuscript a bit over the holidays, but with bucketloads of contests coming up, I've been eager for some more feedback. Thankfully Michelle Hauck and Amy Trueblood are awesome and set up this handy-dandy query critique bloghop as an after-party to the #sunvssnow contest!
Very grateful for any feedback you have on my Twitter Pitch, Query, or First 250!!! Thank you in advance!
Title: FARLIGHT
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word Count: 95,000
Twitter Pitch:
Violet’s a cyborg beekeeper en route to New Earth. When supplies vanish she must find the thief before the ship goes critical
Updated Query with Romance Minimized:
Original Query:
First 250:
***
I revised the query for my YA sci-fi manuscript a bit over the holidays, but with bucketloads of contests coming up, I've been eager for some more feedback. Thankfully Michelle Hauck and Amy Trueblood are awesome and set up this handy-dandy query critique bloghop as an after-party to the #sunvssnow contest!
Very grateful for any feedback you have on my Twitter Pitch, Query, or First 250!!! Thank you in advance!
Title: FARLIGHT
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word Count: 95,000
Twitter Pitch:
Violet’s a cyborg beekeeper en route to New Earth. When supplies vanish she must find the thief before the ship goes critical
Updated Query with Romance Minimized:
Dear Agent:
Sixteen-year-old beekeeper Violet Everman is only
cyborg-skinned, but it’s enough to make her the ship’s resident freak.
When a hunt for a rogue beehive goes awry, Violet is
trapped in a secret chamber, where she finds Act – cute, charming, and not
wholly opposed to silver girls. Problem?
Rushing to free themselves from the chamber, they
make an astonishing discovery: what they’d always believed was the entire
starship is just one arm of it. Act is from one arm. Violet’s from another. As
their two worlds collide, critical supplies vanish from her side of the ship.
And Act gets the blame.
Violet does a little sleuthing of her own, and now she's not so sure he's guilty. If what he says is true,
the enemies are more than just petty thieves. They won’t stop until nothing’s
left. But tracking the real culprits could put her own life at risk. It would
mean delving into an unexplored arm of the starship: one where the inhabitants
were engineered for war.
FARLIGHT is a YA sci-fi complete at 95,000 words,
and written as a standalone novel but with series potential. It should appeal
to fans of space-based mysteries in the vein of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and INSIDE
OUT, and the social identity themes of CINDER and MILA 2.0.
I have a PhD in Sustainability from Arizona State
University. My research on the cultural inaccessibility of sustainable development
inspired some of the underlying themes of the novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Carissa
Taylor
Original Query:
Dear Agent:
Sixteen-year-old beekeeper Violet Everman is only
cyborg on the outside, but it’s enough to make her the ship’s resident freak.
On a generational starship bound for New Earth, no one looks past her silver
skin and ultraviolet eyes to see the girl inside.
When a hunt for a rogue beehive goes awry, Violet is
trapped in a secret chamber. She’s not alone. There she finds Act – cute,
charming, and not wholly opposed to silver girls. Problem? She’s never seen him
before, and on a ship this size, that’s impossible. Rushing to free themselves from the chamber, they
make an astonishing discovery: what they’d always believed was the entire
starship is just one arm of it. Act is from one arm. Violet’s from another. As
their two worlds collide, Violet’s feelings for Act grow. But then critical
supplies vanish from her side of the ship. And it looks as if Act is to blame.
Violet’s new task? Spy on the only boy she ever
cared about.
The more she discovers, the less certain she is
about Act … but she’s not sure he’s the thief either. And if what he says is
true, the enemies are more than just petty thieves. They won’t stop until
there’s nothing left. However, proving Act’s innocence and tracking the real
culprits could put her own life at risk. It would mean delving into an
unexplored arm of the starship: one where the inhabitants were engineered for
war.
FARLIGHT is a YA sci-fi complete at 95,000 words,
and written as a standalone novel but with series potential. It should appeal
to fans of space-based mysteries in the vein of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and INSIDE
OUT, and the social identity themes of CINDER and MILA 2.0.
I have a PhD in Sustainability from Arizona State
University. My research on the cultural inaccessibility of sustainable
development inspired some of the underlying themes of the novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Carissa
Taylor
First 250:
If I could feel, maybe
I would have sensed them– their vibrant hum writhing up from the smooth metal
panels beneath me. But I couldn’t. I inched forward on my stomach, craning my
neck into the dark, pollen dust filling my nose. I wasn’t designed
for this. For life on the Asteris. For life on Earth either. I was designed for
another planet entirely.
One I’d never see.
I paused, flicking the
lavender-green light of my beam against the void. It flared back at me, tracing
the impurities in the ductwork in spidery streaks of yellow and blue. Soon
they’d grow into cracks, then fissures: a lacy web out of which the air would
seep. Away from the ship’s cycling system.
But air wasn’t the
resource I was here for. My charges were much less predictable.
I dragged myself
onward. Wrist, forearm, shove; wrist, forearm, shove; every movement calculated
and heavy against the leaden press of the walls. The air was stale with the hot
scent of over-clocked computers and fried autorations. Humid and oppressive. I
adjusted my sensor glove, the webbing dark against the dull gray sheen of my
outstretched hand. Beyond it, beyond the safe semicircle of lilac glow, a
blackness so long I couldn’t see its end.
I double checked my
light. If something went wrong and– my throat hitched. I pushed out a slow,
measured breath. Calm. I could do this. Jesry had done it, and he was seventy
years old.
Only Jesry hadn’t had
any reason to be afraid of the dark.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm doing Michelle and Amy's critique workshop. You have a really interesting premise here and I love your writing style. A quick note - I'm nowhere near an expert at critiquing queries, but I'll take a shot. Ignore anything that doesn't work for you. I'll place my comments in capitals to differentiate it from your text)
Sixteen-year-old beekeeper Violet Everman is only cyborg on the outside, but it’s enough to make her the ship’s resident freak.(NICE VOICE STRAIGHT OFF) On a generational starship bound for New Earth, no one looks past her silver skin and ultraviolet eyes to see the girl inside.
When a hunt for a rogue beehive goes awry, Violet is trapped in a secret chamber. She’s not alone. There she finds Act – cute, charming, and not wholly opposed to silver girls. (YOU COULD TAKE OUT WORDS LIKE 'THERE SHE FINDS' AND COMBINE THE SENTENCES. ...VIOLET IS TRAPPED IN A SECRET CHAMBER WITH ACT - CUTE, CHARMING... Problem? She’s never seen him before, and on a ship this size, that’s impossible. Rushing to free themselves from the chamber, they make an astonishing discovery: what they’d always believed was the entire starship is just one arm of it. Act is from one arm. Violet’s from another. As their two worlds collide THIS GIVES ME THE IMPRESSION THE ARMS ARE AT WAR?, Violet’s feelings for Act grow. But then critical supplies vanish from her side of the ship. And it looks as if Act is to blame.
Violet’s new task? Spy on the only boy she ever cared about. MY ISSUE HERE WOULD BE, WHY HER? SHE'S THE BEEKEEPER. IS SHE IS CHARGE OF THE CRITICAL SUPPLIES?
The more she discovers, the less certain she is about Act … but she’s not sure he’s the thief either. And if what he says is true, the enemies are more than just petty thieves. They won’t stop until there’s nothing left. However, proving Act’s innocence and tracking the real culprits could put her own life at risk. It would mean delving into an unexplored arm of the starship: one where the inhabitants were engineered for war.LOVE THIS. YOU HAVE GOOD STAKES.
As for the 250, I loved it. You do an excellent job with introducing us to the character. In this short segment, I felt invested in the MC. So great job there. The sensory detailing is excellent, the way you drew us into the scene. Nice job with scene setting. My only issue might be, I see some areas of passive writing. Maybe a bit of rewording and deleting passive words and filters would help create a bigger impact of your excellent writing.
Thanks for the read.
What I Liked:
ReplyDeleteThe title. Love it.
About the pitch: Cyborg Beekeeper? YES!
You nailed the query.
And the excerpt is perfect.
What needs Work:
The twitter pitch is good but doesn't wow me. However it does grab my attention and so probably will for agents to. In fact you can probably just say: Violet is a cyborg beekeeper out to catch a thief before the spaceship goes critical.
Hello!!
ReplyDeleteYour novel sounds right up my alley :D I love the comp titles, and I literally have nothing to say about your 250.
Your query is excellent, too. I think I'd like to see a little less focus on the romance and maybe more on the stakes, but maybe that's just me :D
hey. i love this. i honestly can't think of anything to add that hasn't already been said. i guess my only concern would be the length of the query. it seems a little long. personally, i don't mind longer queries, but what i've learned in my own critiques is that agents want a quick read. maybe what Rachel said about - less romance - taking some of that out would shorten it a bit.
ReplyDeleteyour stuff is strong & you should be confident sending this out as is.
Hi, Carissa!
ReplyDeleteTwitter pitches are difficult. I like to make mine sound as smooth as possible, and yours is 99% fine, but that "Violet's" was bugging me. I messed around and came up with this: "Violet, a cyborg beekeeper on a starship bound for New Earth, must find a supply thief before the ship goes critical. #PitMad #YA #SF" = 133 characters. The only possible problem I see is that based on the tweet, I assume she was the lone person on her personal ship. I wish you could fit in "generational" but it's too long so perhaps "starship" will do. Even without it, I think your version is fine! It's all about striking interest.
Query: Good setup and character development. I only have a few nitpicks.
- Cutting your 2-sentence paragraph wouldn't make you lose anything. Before and after flow just fine without it.
- You've used "there" twice. It's passive, so I'd see about rewriting to take it out.
- Your stakes aren't quite clear to me. I'd love a sentence more about what they're attempting to prevent. I would say that if this were back cover copy, you don't need any more, but since this is a query letter to an agent, revealing a plot twist here or there isn't bad. Plus it's mostly implied. (I'm assuming that they're bound for a planet where they will wipe out inhabitants already there.)
- And, related to my previous point, if you do choose to focus a tad more than one sentence on your big reveal of the stakes, you should probably cut back a bit on the romance and meeting Act part. I really think the discovery of possible war is gold, so don't bury the lead!
250 words:
I have a pet peeve about holding secrets in the opening. You start with "maybe I would have sensed THEM," but you don't explain. I tend to get annoyed with openings like that, scanning instead of reading, to figure out what the heck the author is talking about. I'm assuming now that you're talking about the bees, but I don't think you reveal it (or if you do, it's not clear).
Otherwise, I like it!
Good luck with your pitch!
Hello, You've done a great job with this. Your sensory descriptors are great at drawing the reader in. your first page is well aritten with the exception of some passive voice. Do you want me to wonder how a cyborg who can't feel anything is scared of the dark? I found myself distracted by the romance portion of your query as well. maybe its her motivation for not eliminating the boy? Its great, good Luck.
ReplyDeleteHi there!
ReplyDeleteYou were so helpful when critiquing my work, I feel badly that I don't have many gripes with yours. Just a couple of quick points and questions.
Is Violet the only cyborg or one of many? Is Act human?
The romance portion of the query isn't the main focus but it does take a good deal of it. Is this a Sci-fi Romance?
I liked your short pitch for twitter and also your first 250. I was curious about this-- "I was designed for another planet entirely.
One I’d never see."
I felt like it could use a little more expansion. I wanted to know why.
Otherwise great job. Like I said, I wish I could offer more!
I've been reading plenty of 35-word pitches, but your's definitely made me go, "huh". You could be the first person to bring the art and complexities of bee keeping into the SCI FI genre. I heartily approve. Here's a suggested reword on your second line:
ReplyDeleteAs the ship's supplies vanish, she must find the thief, or die alone.
Sometimes if you re-arrange the clauses you can get something interesting. Just a thought.
The query is well-written, but a bit long on the story description side. Maybe cut out 2-3 sentences: hit the stakes and move on.
Your first sentence has an ambiguous pronoun reference ("sensed them"). It doesn't seem like a good move for the opening line: maybe try to find some adjective + noun combo you can stick in there instead.
The MC's first few lines are bit too self-explanatory. Let the reader discover she's a cyborg--you don't need to hint about it like "what I was designed for". Being out in space repairing a space ship is interesting enough, and if there's no need at this point to get into the whole cyborg business, it might be best to leave it out.
Of course you can always mention how her metallic hand etc. pried off a hunk of steel, which you might be doing later, although I couldn't quite follow the scifi jargon. Granted, it wouldn't be sci-fi without sensor gloves, but I don't really know what those are or how they help her in that task.
Give me a bit less of how exactly she's fixing the panels and a bit more about why she's afraid of the dark. A person repairing a ship in outer space who's afraid of the dark... that's interesting, cyborg, bees, or no.
I really like this premise! I thought the twitter pitch was interesting, but I'm not immediately sure was "going critical" means, so that might need a tweak or two.
ReplyDeleteOnto the query: I thought it was really solid, but there were a few times when I had some questions, or you used vague words. I'll cap to give comments.
Sixteen-year-old beekeeper Violet Everman is only cyborg on the outside, but it’s enough to make her the ship’s resident freak. (MY QUESTION HERE WAS "OUTSIDE WHAT?" I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU SAY SHE'S THE ONLY CYBORG ON THE OUTSIDE. I THINK THAT NEEDS CLARIFICATION. IT MIGHT ONLY NEED AN EXTRA WORD OR TWO.) On a generational starship bound for New Earth, no one looks past her silver skin and ultraviolet eyes to see the girl inside.
When a hunt for a rogue beehive goes awry, Violet is trapped in a secret chamber. (SHE'S TRAPPED, OR SHE'S ARRESTED AND PUT INSIDE? THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE APPLIES TO HER. DO THEY THINK SHE STOLE THE BEEHIVE? OR IS THIS BEEHIVE IT'S OWN IDENTITY AND IT'S GONE ROGUE AND IT'S HER FAULT? OR SHE'S IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME?) She’s not alone. There she finds Act – cute, charming, and not wholly opposed to silver girls. Problem? She’s never seen him before, and on a ship this size, (I'D SWAP OUT "SIZE" FOR "SMALL" TO BE ULTRA-CLEAR THAT IT'S A SMALL SHIP.) that’s impossible. Rushing to free themselves from the chamber, (WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUSH? IS THERE NOT ENOUGH AIR FOR BOTH OF THEM?) they make an astonishing discovery: what they’d always believed was the entire starship is just one arm of it. Act is from one arm. Violet’s from another. As their two worlds collide, Violet’s feelings for Act grow. But then critical supplies (WHAT KIND OF SUPPLIES? WATER? NUTRIENTS? IT WOULD BE JUST AS EASY TO SAY AND NOT BE VAGUE ABOUT IT, I WOULD THINK. MAYBE NOT.) vanish from her side of the ship. And it looks as if Act is to blame.
Violet’s new task? Spy on the only boy she (I'D PUT "SHE'S" HERE.) ever cared about.
The more she discovers, the less certain she is about Act … but she’s not sure he’s the thief either. And if what he says is true, the enemies are more than just petty thieves. They won’t stop until there’s nothing left. (WHICH WOULD MEAN WHAT? NOTHING LEFT OF HER ARM? OF HIS? OF ALL OF THEM?) However, proving Act’s innocence and tracking the real culprits could put her own life at risk. It would mean delving into an unexplored arm of the starship: one where the inhabitants were engineered for war. (I'D COMBINE THESE LAST TWO SENTENCES FOR ONE STRONG CONSEQUENCE SENTENCE. "PROVING ACT'S INNOCENCE AND TRACKING THE REAL CULPRITS MEANS DELVING INTO AN UNEXPLORED ARM OF THE STARSHIP: ONE..." AND FINISH IT FROM THERE."
I hope that helps a little bit! Not a huge bunch of changes. A few things to avoid questions and confusion as someone reads the query. And it is a strong query, that you could probably use and get away with it.
The first 250: I liked this a lot. I think it sets up who she is, and what she can and can't do, and her fear of the dark. I liked it a lot, so not much to say here. Great job!
My disclaimer; I am not an expert on critiquing but hope there's something of help to you.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like sci-fi with a romance subplot, and the premise is so interesting. So a 'rogue beehive' needs explanation. Are these more than ordinary bees? I like the idea that the spaceship is bigger than she thought, and wonder how the arms relate to each other, who is in overall charge etc.
First 250: nice descriptions of her feelings. Suggest replacing 'them' with a noun or explaining what they are, because it seems 'they' are important. Vagueness can be annoying rather than mysterious, if 'they' are the bees you can say that without giving away all the details. She is afraid of the dark, and that speaks to humanity (under the cyborg skin?)
Good luck with this!