FARLIGHT -- YA sci-fi -- Critique Blog Hop

*** UPDATE: 2/17/2015: For the sake of word count, I'm playing around with a version of the query that doesn't bother to emphasize the romance. Which do you think is better?

                                                                          ***

I revised the query for my YA sci-fi manuscript a bit over the holidays, but with bucketloads of contests coming up, I've been eager for some more feedback. Thankfully Michelle Hauck and Amy Trueblood are awesome and set up this handy-dandy query critique bloghop as an after-party to the #sunvssnow contest!

Very grateful for any feedback you have on my Twitter Pitch, Query, or First 250!!! Thank you in advance!

Title: FARLIGHT
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word Count: 95,000

Twitter Pitch: 
Violet’s a cyborg beekeeper en route to New Earth. When supplies vanish she must find the thief before the ship goes critical

(I actually have a lot of twitter pitches, but that one is my go-to)

Updated Query with Romance Minimized:

Dear Agent:

Sixteen-year-old beekeeper Violet Everman is only cyborg-skinned, but it’s enough to make her the ship’s resident freak. No one looks past her silver veneer and ultraviolet eyes to see the girl inside. That’s okay, she prefers it that way. On a generational starship bound for New Earth, she doesn’t have time for anyone else.

When a hunt for a rogue beehive goes awry, Violet is trapped in a secret chamber, where she finds Act – cute, charming, and not wholly opposed to silver girls. Problem? Besides the fact that he’s completely getting in her way, she’s never seen him before, and on a ship this size, that’s impossible.

Rushing to free themselves from the chamber, they make an astonishing discovery: what they’d always believed was the entire starship is just one arm of it. Act is from one arm. Violet’s from another. As their two worlds collide, critical supplies vanish from her side of the ship. And Act gets the blame.

Violet does a little sleuthing of her own, and now she's not so sure he's guilty. If what he says is true, the enemies are more than just petty thieves. They won’t stop until nothing’s left. But tracking the real culprits could put her own life at risk. It would mean delving into an unexplored arm of the starship: one where the inhabitants were engineered for war.

FARLIGHT is a YA sci-fi complete at 95,000 words, and written as a standalone novel but with series potential. It should appeal to fans of space-based mysteries in the vein of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and INSIDE OUT, and the social identity themes of CINDER and MILA 2.0.

I have a PhD in Sustainability from Arizona State University. My research on the cultural inaccessibility of sustainable development inspired some of the underlying themes of the novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Carissa Taylor

Original Query:

Dear Agent:

Sixteen-year-old beekeeper Violet Everman is only cyborg on the outside, but it’s enough to make her the ship’s resident freak. On a generational starship bound for New Earth, no one looks past her silver skin and ultraviolet eyes to see the girl inside.

When a hunt for a rogue beehive goes awry, Violet is trapped in a secret chamber. She’s not alone. There she finds Act – cute, charming, and not wholly opposed to silver girls. Problem? She’s never seen him before, and on a ship this size, that’s impossible. Rushing to free themselves from the chamber, they make an astonishing discovery: what they’d always believed was the entire starship is just one arm of it. Act is from one arm. Violet’s from another. As their two worlds collide, Violet’s feelings for Act grow. But then critical supplies vanish from her side of the ship. And it looks as if Act is to blame.

Violet’s new task? Spy on the only boy she ever cared about.

The more she discovers, the less certain she is about Act … but she’s not sure he’s the thief either. And if what he says is true, the enemies are more than just petty thieves. They won’t stop until there’s nothing left. However, proving Act’s innocence and tracking the real culprits could put her own life at risk. It would mean delving into an unexplored arm of the starship: one where the inhabitants were engineered for war.

FARLIGHT is a YA sci-fi complete at 95,000 words, and written as a standalone novel but with series potential. It should appeal to fans of space-based mysteries in the vein of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and INSIDE OUT, and the social identity themes of CINDER and MILA 2.0.

I have a PhD in Sustainability from Arizona State University. My research on the cultural inaccessibility of sustainable development inspired some of the underlying themes of the novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Carissa Taylor

First 250:

If I could feel, maybe I would have sensed them– their vibrant hum writhing up from the smooth metal panels beneath me. But I couldn’t. I inched forward on my stomach, craning my neck into the dark, pollen dust filling my nose.  I wasn’t designed for this. For life on the Asteris. For life on Earth either. I was designed for another planet entirely.

One I’d never see.

I paused, flicking the lavender-green light of my beam against the void. It flared back at me, tracing the impurities in the ductwork in spidery streaks of yellow and blue. Soon they’d grow into cracks, then fissures: a lacy web out of which the air would seep. Away from the ship’s cycling system.

But air wasn’t the resource I was here for. My charges were much less predictable.

I dragged myself onward. Wrist, forearm, shove; wrist, forearm, shove; every movement calculated and heavy against the leaden press of the walls. The air was stale with the hot scent of over-clocked computers and fried autorations. Humid and oppressive. I adjusted my sensor glove, the webbing dark against the dull gray sheen of my outstretched hand. Beyond it, beyond the safe semicircle of lilac glow, a blackness so long I couldn’t see its end.

I double checked my light. If something went wrong and– my throat hitched. I pushed out a slow, measured breath. Calm. I could do this. Jesry had done it, and he was seventy years old.

Only Jesry hadn’t had any reason to be afraid of the dark.